Poking Fun at MLS Listings

Realtors are allowed X number of characters on their MLS listings to describe and market the property. After reading hundreds of listings,  I have collected some interesting marketing descriptions and phrases used to describe features of homes and entice buyers to come their way.  Now, I am not suggesting these phrases constitute false advertising but I wonder how they are received and understood by readers.  To my male point of view they are mostly just interesting and sometimes fairly ambiguous if I get too literal.  To a female on the other hand, the semantics and understanding might be totally clear.  I readily admit that my own listings may contain similar clichés and phrasing so I do point some fingers at myself.

Here are some phrases I have found with some insightful (I hope) comments added by yours truly:

  • “Your sense of arrival is warm and inviting.”   This is a sixth sense that most of you didn’t know you had.
  • “An exotic oasis describes this sensual jewel of a home.”  I didn’t think there was a desert in Calgary.
  • “Warmth and calm envelop you.”  Especially if the furnace is set high and there are no kids in the house.
  • “With a wall of windows.”  We sure hope there are structural 2x4’s to hold the wall together. Huge cost on drapes.
  • “Bungalow is a breath of fresh air.”  May be even better than fresh baked buns, brewing coffee or pine freshener.
  • “Home offers food for the soul.”  I  just don’t know what to say about this one.  Never did find the soul food.
  • “Over sized windows.”  Perhaps  window were too large for the openings?  When does something become oversized?
  • “Modern plumbing and light fixtures.”  This is compared to neighbour who still uses an outhouse and candles.
  • “Romantic Juliette Balcony.” Romeo , Romeo, where art thou?  (after the dinner date, Romeo owed with Julie ate).
  • “HUGE master bedroom.”   What’s  the  difference between, large, oversized, capital HUGE,  small huge, spacious?
  • “Tons of upgrades.” What is an upgrade and how do you know you have some?  Clue, you weigh them!
  • “Tons of cabinets.” Ditto from above. Since when were cabinets sold by weight? Yes, Mrs. Buyer we have 3 tons of cabinets in this house,  but don’t ask if this is a metric tonne or an imperial ton.  Just feel the weight of this cabinet door!
  • “Lower level is unspoiled.”  My favourite. It is hard to measure our thankfulness that the lower level has been so well trained.
  • “Spa like ensuite.” So is it a spa, or a wannabe spa and when does an ensuite become spa likeness?
  • “Rich porcelain tile.”  Tile that was not bought at Rona or Home Depot but imported from another country.
  • “Upstairs you will find.” Sometimes there are secret rooms and the thrill is in the hunt to find these special rooms or features.
  • “His and hers sinks.  Maybe it is her and hises sinks, how do you really know? 
  • “Beautiful appointed home.”  Love those appointed homes. How does one make their home appointed?  
  • “Great mountain view.” Yes some houses do have mountain views, and  in others you might be able to see the mountains from the second storey bedroom window if you are standing on a chair and the stars are all aligned. Is there such a thing as an “average mountain view” or are they always great and amazing?
  • “Mud room your friends will be envious of.”   This envy only occurs if you have tons of mud in this room.

I hope this is now as clear as mud. Maybe listing should just state — “Home for sale. Come see.”